“We don’t communicate well”
This is the most common answer I hear from my couple clients when I ask them what they see as the main problem in their relationship. I’m always curious as to what they mean by this and often the responses are, “he doesn’t listen to me” or, “she doesn’t understand me” and, “we see things differently”.
Intimate relationships can be wonderful when partners are aware of their emotions, can express them effectively and are able to communicate needs associated with the emotion. If our emotions are validated, our needs met, or we are able to soothe ourselves when our partner is not able to respond in the way we hoped for, then we have harmony.
When we feel misunderstood or invalidated by our partner, frustration can build and we may respond with negative behaviours that are fuelled by how we feel. Behaviours such as blaming, controlling and avoiding, are often used as an ineffective attempt to get the other partner to attend to our emotions and unmet needs.
For example, Laura is unhappy as her partner, Mike, frequently works late at the office. She arranges date nights in an attempt to spend time together, but they are often cancelled last minute due to his work commitments. The third time this happens she angrily tells Mike that he only cares about his work and she’s had enough. He gets defensive, telling her he’s working hard to pay off their mortgage. The conflict escalates before Mike walks out of their house and goes back to work. Both are angry and upset.
Underlying Emotions and Needs
If Laura was able to access her underlying emotion about this situation, she might be able identify that she feels lonely and sad that her and Mike are not spending much time together. Laura might also see that she has an unmet need for greater closeness, availability or responsiveness from Mike. However, she reacts to her underlying feelings of sadness and loneliness with anger and criticism towards Mike. He, in turn, feels blamed and inadequate when he hears her criticism. He responds to his feelings with defensiveness, and withdraws from Laura, reinforcing her sadness and loneliness.
This kind of negative interaction can become entrenched in the couple dynamic over time. It gradually erodes the couple’s emotional bond, resulting in the relationship feeling disconnected and unsatisfying.
Imagine if Laura was able to share her more vulnerable feelings of sadness and loneliness about Mike’s absence instead of responding with anger. Mike might not feel blamed or inadequate, and possibly respond less defensively. He may feel more empathy for what Laura is going through and be more open to meeting her needs for closeness and availability.
Emotion Focussed Therapy
Emotion Focussed Therapy (EFT) helps partners in intimate relationships to access and communicate their underlying emotions. Neither partner is seen as at fault for the couples’ problems, but instead the difficulties are understood as a cycle that maintains the negative interaction.
Therapy involves working with the couple to identify and de-escalate the negative cycle, access underlying feelings, and restructure the interaction and re-establish the emotional bond. Studies have shown that this type of therapy is highly effective for reducing relationship distress and promoting forgiveness.
Clare Walker, Counsellor and Psychotherapist, is trained in EFT and works with couples on building effective communication. Her experience with this method is that it is one of the best approaches for transforming couples understanding of each other.
Laura and Mike are fictional characters
Sources: Clincial Handbook of Emotion-Focussed Therapy (2018), Edited by L.S. Greenberg and R.N. Goldman
Research on the Treatment of Couple Distress, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2012, vol. 38 (1) pp.145-168
Further Reading: Hold Me Tight (2011), Dr Sue Johnson