We will all experience loss during our lifetime, it is universal. The death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, the loss of a job or home, an emptying nest, the loss of youth…The list goes on.
How we grieve or process loss might be shaped by how we have seen others dealing with loss, or how we feel society expects us to respond. It may also be based on our experience of separation and loss with those who looked after us early on in life.
Childhood responses to loss
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, looked at childhood development through the interaction and bonding with primary caregivers and the impact of separation and loss on children. Research studies on mothers and infants noticed different responses to the stress experienced by infants when separated and then reunited with their mother.
Through repeated studies, patterns in the infants’ responses to the mother were observed, leading researchers to develop indicators of secure bonding versus insecure bonding with a primary caregiver.
Secure bonding in childhood builds good self-esteem and the ability to regulate emotions in a healthy way in adulthood, whereas insecure bonding (referred to as anxious, dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant attachment styles) can lead to lower self-esteem, distrust of self and others and poorer coping responses.
Insecure attachment and loss
Regardless of attachment style, everyone is affected by loss, and people’s response to loss is individual. Research has shown however that those with insecure attachment styles are more likely to struggle dealing with, and processing loss, relative to those who are more secure.
Anxiously attached individuals tend to show intense emotional and physiological distress, and often stay in the grief stage for longer after a loss. They may feel more despair and denial, and continue to hold an attachment to the loss in some way. As a result, those with an anxious attachment style may rely more heavily on others, blame themselves, and ruminate about the loss.
Avoidantly attached individuals typically show fewer outward signs of distress when experiencing a loss. The avoidance of feeling or processing their difficult emotions can lead to depression and unhealthy coping behaviours, such as withdrawing from others, alcohol and drug use, and a stronger desire to minimise the loss and move on.
Learning from loss
Whether you show fewer signs or emotions, or openly reveal your experience of loss to the world, either is okay, but perhaps what we might learn from our response to loss is important.
Interestingly, studies that have looked at attachment styles and reactions to romantic loss suggest that anxious individuals’ hyper-activated response may lead to personal growth through the processing of breakup-related thoughts and emotions. Whereas avoidant individuals’ deactivation response, and tendency to suppress thoughts and emotions, may reduce reflection and personal growth.
How can therapy help?
If you are grieving or processing a loss or adjusting to change, exploring your experience with a therapist can help you work through the loss and the myriad of feelings in a supportive environment.
It may also help you to make sense of the loss and understand, at a deeper level, your response to it and how to process it in a way that is more adaptive.
Clare Walker, Counsellor and Psychotherapist at Therapy Room