“Are attachment styles fixed?” It is the most common question I hear at the start of attachment-based therapy. But I think I know what my clients are actually asking me. They are asking, “Will intimate relationships always feel this way?” When your past dictates your present, love does not feel like a safe harbour, it feels more like being locked in a cage with a tiger. It is a terrifying paradox: the one place you are supposed to find comfort is exactly where you feel the most uncomfortable. So it makes complete sense why you would need to know if a permanent escape is possible.
Human connection is rarely static, which is why I frequently ask my clients to step back and evaluate their relationships, including friends, family, past lovers, and coworkers. Interestingly, I have yet to meet someone who operates with a single, unyielding attachment style across all of these categories. Instead, we adapt. When we dig deeper, we can identify the specific blueprints of our most comfortable, connected relationships and figure out what elements make us feel safe enough to lower our guard. On the flip side, we unpack the dynamics that leave us feeling anxious or overwhelmed. We look at what makes those specific interactions so hard, and identify the defensive behaviours we use when those uncomfortable feelings surface.
It is in our most intimate relationships, where the stakes feel impossibly high and vulnerability is heightened, that our attachment styles can become more rigid. Digging into our core beliefs is a powerful exercise. It uncovers the childhood needs that were left wanting and exposes how we still desperately try to meet them, resign ourselves to never getting them met, or suppress them entirely. These survival mechanisms served us well as children, but in healthy, functioning adult partnerships, they often sabotage the very connection we crave.
A common example is the paralysing core belief that we are destined to be rejected or abandoned in love. Through compassionate self-reflection, we can often trace this deep-seated wound back to our past and recognise just how painful it was. To shield ourselves from that vulnerability, we often develop “protest behaviours” in our adult relationships.
We might react to a perceived loss of connection or fear of rejection by desperately demanding more time, affection, or verbal reassurance. But when these demands or ‘protest behaviours’ become excessive or critical, our partners naturally pull back. This resistance acts as cruel proof confirming our worst fears: we can’t trust others to be there. As a result, we either double down on our demands or emotionally shut down and withdraw, ironically pushing away the very closeness we are so desperate to receive.
In therapy, when we start to trace our deepest insecurities back to the unmet needs of our childhood, a profound realisation occurs: these longings aren’t needy, they are fundamental to all healthy human connection. By acknowledging these vital needs and learning to clearly communicate them, we unlock the ability to build deeply secure, fulfilling bonds with ourselves and the people we love. In essence, we are working towards a more secure attachment, which is the difference between a nervous system trapped in a tiger cage trying to survive, to one grounded in safety and calm.
If you recognise these patterns in your own life, Attachment-based psychotherapy and Schema therapy can help. Together, we can explore your core beliefs and equip you to meet your emotional needs more confidently, both for yourself and with others.